Praise and Prayer - My Struggle

“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.” -Revelation 4:11

I had a lot of time to think about this topic in the last month. Praise is an important part of my life or at least I want it to be. At the time I first decided to write about praise I was struggling in several ways, mainly spiritually. At that point I felt drained and overwhelmed with responsibilities. I just wanted to give up everything. I thought about not being a CBF teacher anymore and leaving the praise team. I realized that especially these two things, which I used to love to participate in, had become obligations and somewhat of a burden. I often felt pressured to always be there and be available. In the midst of this I had a lot of time to think about praise and commitment to God's work. I asked myself, why do we praise God? Why is it so important? Revelations 4:11 gives a clear explanation for why we should worship God. God is the Creator of all things, including me. God deserves to be worshiped and praised as Psalm 48:1 says, 'Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise, in the city of our God, his holy mountain.' God simply deserves praise because He is God. He is my Lord, Creator, and Savior. Also, in praising God, I can remember his greatness, love, and grace. Praise needs to come from the heart first. However, my problem ran deeper than not praising God from my heart. I was spiritually on a downslope. I could not praise or do God's work because my heart was somewhere else. It was lost. Once you loose sight of something it is easy to get distracted by or focus on other things. In this case, I was focused on school and other trivial things. I was frustrated that I lost my connection with God. I tried to work on my relationship with God but only with little effort. This is where I got to the point of not wanting to do anything and give up all my responsibilities. However, I realized that this would be a decision I would regret and would have not helped me in turning my focus back to God. I rather was afraid that I would move even farther away from Him. I did not have a big realization or anything like that. God helped me see things in a different light and change my attitude. I am still working on bettering my relationship with God. And after watching the movie 'War Room' I also realized that my prayer life is more lukewarm than hot. Prayer is the essential connection to God. We should come before him with our thanksgiving and requests regularly because communication is the key to keeping a relationship strong and well functioning. I do not know how I went through the last months without really praying or communicating with God. I had no problem on relying on my own strength and only came to God when I needed something. Romans 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." I have to learn to be faithful in prayer, so I rely on God and not on myself or others. By restoring my prayer life, I can also be more faithful and joyful in praising God from my heart because through prayer I can focus my heart back on God and worshiping and praising Him. I like this passage from James 5:13-18, "13 Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.17 Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. 18 Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." Prayer is powerful. We can achieve the impossible through prayer. You may be wondering why I am talking so much about prayer. I think, though, that prayer and praise are very similar. We can pray to give thanks and bring our requests to God. In praise, we can show our joy and gratitude toward God. In both, we are communicating with God just in different ways. I also think that both are important, which may be evident in James 5:13. 

Thanksgiving

I wanted to take the time and share some things I am thankful for. Thanksgiving may be over, but, as my uncle said, we should be thankful every day.

1. School: I am thankful that I can go to school and learn to get a job. Even though I had to change my major at the beginning of the semester I am glad I can spend another year in school. I also came to realize that I enjoy my new major.
2. Family: My family may not be with me, but they support me in any way they can. I am always grateful when they visit and take the time to talk to me. This year, I was able to see my brother again. Ironically I have only talked to him once since he has been here. We are still close.
3. Friends: I may not have many friends in school but I am thankful for the friends (or brothers and sisters) I have at church. They encourage me in many ways and pray for me. 
4. Roommates and sisters: I refer to my roommates as sisters because we live together like sisters. The word 'roommates' sounds more distant and does not describe the relationship we have. I love living with these girls. They know my weaknesses and still love me, like family.
5. CBF/Sunday School: In the summer the children moved up a grade/class, so I now have the 2- and 3-year-olds, which was challenging at first. Some of them do not speak much English and many of them do not understand much of the sermon. I have learned a lot from them and with them. 
6. YDJ: We have had a great year in YDJ. We have grown a lot over the past year. I am thankful for the other leaders who are faithful in preparing events, meetings, and retreats, and support each other in many ways.
7. Fellowship: My Bible study group is simply awesome and faithful. They live up to their name 'absolute faith'. Each of them is special to me. We share our struggles, encourage each other, and pray for one another. We have had many victories this year, including M.Joy's Green card approval.
8. Driving: I am thankful that I am able to get my driver's licence. I would not have been able to do so in Germany. 
9. Internship: Just two weeks ago, I was able to get an internship for next spring. I needed one in order to graduate. The best thing is that it is in the field I want to work in, with families and children.
10. Work: I am thankful for the place I am working at because I can do what I love. I am also learning a lot about teaching and classroom management. 
11. Praise Team: We have done a lot this year from Sunday praise to worship nights. I love singing and praising with this group of people. (I will write more about praise in a later post.)
12. God: He is my light and my salvation. He gives me strength and wisdom to get through each day even when I am unfaithful to him or put him on the back burner. He knows me better than I do and teaches me through many situations.

Shadows

"To Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel." -Hebrews 12:24

 This semester in our YDJ campus meetings we are talking about different people from the old testament and how they are shadows of Jesus. The first presentation was on Adam. We learned that through Adam sin entered the world and man became mortal. However, through Jesus, who is the last Adam, we received forgiveness of sins and life. I found it interesting to see the similarities and differences between Jesus and Adam. The second person that we talked about was Abel. I had the privilege to give a presentation this time, which was a great learning experience. I had never looked into the story of Cain and Abel with such detail. Here I saw God's love and mercy for all sinners, like Cain. He knew Cain's heart and warned him with these words, "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it" (Genesis 4:7)He gave him a chance to change his heart, but sadly the jealousy was stronger and in his anger he killed his brother Abel. We again looked at the similarities between Jesus' death and Abel's death. We could see how Jesus blood brought life, healing, and atonement, but Abel's blood brought death and hopelessness. This is why Jesus' blood speaks a better word than that of Abel. Abel's blood was poured out because of revenge and Jesus' blood was poured out because of our sins. It was God's plan to sacrifice his only son. He willing gave him up for us. However, when Abel's blood poured out into the ground it cried out to God (Genesis 4:10). God was sad when Abel was killed. He could rejoice in Jesus' death, though, because through Jesus he reconciled us with Him. No one else's blood could have saved us except for that of Jesus. He is the way, the truth, and the life.

Healing

We had another Praise Night last night and it was a very different experience than the previous ones, not because I was not part of the Praise Team, though. In the middle of one of the songs, one of my classmates from high school came to my mind. His name was Jan. He died about two months after our graduation in a bus accident in South Asia (the anniversary of his death is a week from today). I was never friends with him, and he actually didn't like me. However, today I suddenly became very sad and realized that I would never see him again, but that he was now in a different place. I felt like I had failed in what God has called me to do. I never shared the gospel with any of my classmates. The fact that Jan died at such a young age made me realize last night that life is short and we never know when it could be over. Somehow in this sadness, God gave me the desire to share the gospel with those around me. I should not keep it to myself because if I do I take the chance away from someone to hear about or even experience the love of God.
While I was still sad and filled with tears I was comforted by the words, "even when I fail you, I know you love me [...] in every season, I know you love me," from the song 'At the Cross'. Knowing that God loves me even when I do something wrong and no matter how many times I fail gives me peace. Also, God loves me in every season, in the good times and the bad times. The song 'Inside Out' has some similar lyrics and reminded me of God's mercy. There it says, "A thousand times I've failed still your mercy remains, and should I stumble again I'm caught in your grace."
I never thought of this as a wound or something that needed healing, but today I was shown otherwise. I was also reminded of the many times I cried as a teenager. I would usually lock myself in the bathroom since that was the only place no one could bother or see me, other times I would cry under my covers at night when everyone else was already sleeping. I struggled with many things at that time, wanting my parents' love and support, being teased in school, things that did not work out the way they were supposed, or when I was simply hurt by what someone had said or done. There are still wounds and scars that need to heal. I really liked the song 'Draw me close to You' because it summed up what I was feeling at that moment during the praise night. Somehow I could see how important God's love and comfort is and how much I need it.
It was not easy to work through all this. However, I am glad I had the opportunity and the space to do so. The praise was very uplifting and accompanied me through this journey. I realized how important healing is for the heart and soul. It takes away a lot of pain that I carried around. Even as God's children we need to be healed to be ready for God's work in our life.

John Gray

I recently learned about this preacher-comedian. He makes some very good points about how we see Jesus and how we should live as followers of Christ. It is definitely worth watching.

Confidence

I have been thinking about writing this post for several weeks. Now, I have finally found the time and words to actually compose it.
It is never easy to talk about ones weaknesses. Sometimes we may not know what they are or learn about them later in our life than we wish we did. They can easily get in the way and may hinder us to do the things we need to do or to be successful. One of my greatest weaknesses is lack of confidence. Some people may not think that that is not a big problem. However, I have had to learn this in a painful and hard way. I was always able to pass by even with a lack in confidence, but when I got to my internship it became very apparent. I knew going into my internship that confidence was an area I needed to work on, nevertheless I did not know that it become this big problem that would cost me my place in the program. Since then I have realized how much I have to work on my confidence to be able to work in any environment with all different kinds of people.
I think I lost some of my confidence early in childhood. I am not sure what happened, but I am sure that several factors played a role. I also have to say that I do have confidence in the tasks I am good at. I do not question every step I make, what people might think or if that is what I should be doing. However, in the areas or times I do lack confidence I question myself every step of the way. I have to or want to do things the right way the first time. I want to do my best. However, it often happens that I make the wrong choice, no choice, or a decision too late. This can be very frustrating not just for others but also for me. It hurts to know that you disappointed people.
It sometimes helps me when people give me some time to prepare myself or realize that I can do whatever I need to do. At times it helps me to just share this weakness because that allows me to be more confident. However, pushing has never really helped me. It makes me more anxious or shut down and unwilling to fulfill the task.
Recently, I have been trying to work on my confidence. I try to step out of my comfort zone sometimes and not think too much about what I am doing. In the end, I know that God is in control of my life and he can help me to work on my weaknesses because he will carry me in the times I am unable to do it on my own.

Psalm 78:32-39

32 In spite of all this, they kept on sinning;
    in spite of his wonders, they did not believe.
33 So he ended their days in futility
    and their years in terror.
34 Whenever God slew them, they would seek him;
    they eagerly turned to him again.
35 They remembered that God was their Rock,
    that God Most High was their Redeemer.
36 But then they would flatter him with their mouths,
    lying to him with their tongues;
37 their hearts were not loyal to him,
    they were not faithful to his covenant.
38 Yet he was merciful;
    he forgave their iniquities
    and did not destroy them.
Time after time he restrained his anger
    and did not stir up his full wrath.
39 He remembered that they were but flesh,
    a passing breeze that does not return.

Some of these words might sound harsh, but they reminded me of God's love and mercy for me and my shortcomings and unfaithfulness. God showed us His love through His son, Jesus. Our God is a loving god. God has forgiven our sins from the past, the present and the future. His love is unending. When we sin, God cries. I know that I often fail God. Recently, I have been focusing on many other things but God or His word. I think I become lazy and preoccupied, which is not easily overcome. All I can do now is pray and let God take the lead in my life again.

Heaven or Hell?

Last week, I studied Luke 23:26-56, which is on Jesus' crucifixion. I have read this passage many times, but there is always something new to learn. The one verse that caught my attention this time was verse 43, where it says, "Jesus answered him, 'Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.'" After I read this verse, I just had one question. Did Jesus go to heaven or did he go to hell? I was confused. The Apostles' Creed says, "He descended into hell." So which one was it? Did he go to hell or heaven? When I asked some others, mostly younger people, they could not really help me or give me a satisfying answer, so I asked two of the most knowledgeable missionaries from our church. One of them explained that Jesus soul went to heaven and his body was in hell/in the grave. That answer was not enough for me, and I was still a little confused. I really wanted to know if Jesus really went to hell or not. The other missionary I asked has a PhD in theology, so I thought he could give me a more detailed an elaborate answer. And he did. This is why we need more mature Christians around us, as Paul mentioned in Ephesians 4. We cannot grow on our own. 

Anyway, this is the answer M.Ezra gave me to my question. The word 'today' seems to be significant in the book of Luke as he uses it frequently. However, Luke is referring to the present when he uses the word 'today'. He is not using it to mark a specific day or time but rather a timeframe. When Jesus said that the robber would be with him in paradise today, he was saying that it would be in the present. You might wonder why that matters, I think it is important because it means that Jesus must have gone to paradise with him in the present and not three days later. M.Ezra, who was patiently explaining everything and answering my questions, continued by showing me 1 Peter 3:18-20a. There it says, "For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit. After being made alive, he went and made proclamation to the imprisoned spirits—to those who were disobedient long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built." So I learned several things from these verses. First, Jesus died. There is no doubt that Jesus died. The soldiers even pierced his side and because his blood had stopped circulating, only plasma and blood cells came out separated. He was also put in a grave and wrapped in cloths. Second, his spirit was made alive. Jesus' body was dead, but he abandoned his body in the grave for the three days that he was dead. Third, Jesus did not go to hell. Now, this was the tricky part. M. Ezra explained that Jesus did not go to hell and that the words in the Apostles' Creed are controversial. Jesus did not go to hell, but he went into a darkness. Jude 1:6 says, "And the angels who did not keep their positions of authority but abandoned their proper dwelling—these he has kept in darkness, bound with everlasting chains for judgment on the great Day." The imprisoned spirits Peter talks about were in a darkness. They were not in hell and not in heaven. They were in a place in between. They are waiting for judgment day, so it is like they are in some kind of prison. This is the place Jesus went to after he died. We do not really know what he did there. 1 Peter 3:19 mentions that Jesus "made proclamation" to the angels, but we don't know what happened in that place. The angels or imprisoned spirits were the sons of God mentioned in Genesis 6:4, "The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown." The angels or sons of God had mated with the daughters of men and created the giants (Nephelim). They had disobeyed and abandoned God, so they were put into this darkness. There is only one question left: Why did Jesus go to this darkness? I don’t think I will be able get an answer to this question except from Jesus.

Anyway, I think Jesus was not necessarily referring to himself when he was talking to the robber. He said, "You will be with me in paradise." Who is Jesus really? He is the Son of God or also God the Son. God became man to show the world his love for them/us. When the thief died, he went to heaven/paradise to be with God. Jesus was promising the thief that he would be in paradise, which is God's heavenly kingdom, so God was there with him.

My Grandmother (a.k.a. Oma)

I have thought about writing this post for a while and decided to finally take the time to do it.
My grandmother, whom I refer to as Oma because she is German and that is what we call our grandmothers, is 91 years old. She may not be as strong physically but mentally she is doing great. I am very thankful to have her because she encourages me and prays for me. She does not have internet or an email address, which is totally fine with me. I communicate with her through letters, which I actually prefer over email or other written communication because a lot of thought and time went into it. I always get excited when I get a letter from my grandmother. She has been living on her own for 28 years now, but is still independent and able to get around town.
I always like visiting her because she has something positive to tell me every time I come. She encouraged me when my grades were not that great during my middle and high school years and told me that I had many other talents that I could use. She also has many stories to tell. Last summer, when I visited Germany, she told my siblings and me how she and our grandfather met. She also shared the postcards he sent during WWII while he was a POW in Russia. We also learned a little bit about his family. I love learning about my family's history, and especially when I can hear it first hand and can ask questions.
I also admire her for her faith because she always prays and goes to church. She has a lot of wisdom to share that a person can only have if they have lived a long life, and she sure has.

If only there were a mediator

Job 9:1-35

Key verse 9:33 “If only there were someone to mediate between us, someone to bring us together.”

The passage is the first part of Job’s third reply. In verses 1 through 13, Job talks about God’s power as the creator. He begins by saying, “But how can mere mortals prove their innocence before God?” (v.1). As I thought about that question, I realized that we will never be able to prove our innocence and even Job realized that because we are not without sin. God can see everything we do –right and wrong, so nothing is hidden from him. Verse 3 says, “Though they wish to dispute with him, they could not answer him one time out of a thousand.” In verse 4 Job continues, “His wisdom is profound, his power is vast.” There is nothing greater or wiser than God. Verse 13 further explains that “even the cohorts of Rahab cowered at his feet.” The cohorts of Rahab or also proud helpers, as it is translated in other versions, represent those who are evil and those who are working against God. Job says that even these people have to bow before God because He is sovereign over everything.

In verses 14 through 31, Job describes his misery of being unable to argue with God and prove his innocence. He says, “Though I were innocent, I could not answer him, I could only plead with my Judge for mercy,” (v.15) and, “Even if I were innocent, my mouth would condemn me; if I were blameless, it would pronounce me guilty” (v. 20). Job is struggling with his suffering. He wants to know why he is suffering and prove that he is innocent, but he knows that he is guilty at the same time, so trying to prove his innocence would be worthless. In verses 29 to 31, he says, “Since I am already found guilty, why should I struggle in vain? Even if I washed myself with soap and my hands with cleansing powder, you would plunge me into a slime pit so that even my clothes would detest me.” Job’s words are very true, even for us. We can wash ourselves on the outside as much as we want, but we will never be truly clean because the inside is still dirty. Our heart is still full of sin and God can see that. He is not fooled by our outward appearance.

I struggled a lot while writing this daily bread because the passage was difficult to interpret. The way Job speaks is depressing and sad. The chapter ends with the words, “I cannot.” Here Job is referring to being able to stand up against God after being relieved of God’s rod and the fear of God’s terror. What he was hoping for was a mediator, who would bring God and him together. Unlike Job, we have a mediator. God sent him as his son Jesus. We do not have to be afraid of judgment or sufferings because Jesus has set us free from sin. Through him, we received eternal life. Jesus blood has washed us inside and out. He has restored our relationship to God that allows us to come to Him freely.

God's Plan

As part of my major change, I had to attend an academic plan workshop. As the title says, I had to plan my academic career with my new major. On my way back, I was reflecting on the past four years and almost 20 days that I have been here. Man, I thought I knew what God's plan was for my life.
I think that a lot that happened was part of His plan to teach me some valuable lessons. First I didn't get into Maryland, so I went to MC. Then I got into Maryland but as an out-of-state student. Then I went through a long petition process and received in-state status. Then I applied to the College of Education and didn't get in. I waited a year, started a minor in the mean time, reapplied and gt in. In the Fall of 2014, I was getting ready what I thought was going to be my last year in school. When people asked me what I wanted to do after graduating. Many asked me if I wanted to go to grad school, but I told them that I had enough of school and wanted to work. My plan was to graduate Spring 2015, but God had a different plan. It was kind of a smack in my face, saying, "You won't graduate when you want to! You will have to do another two or three semesters! I have a better plan for you!" Man, you don't know how much that hurt. I cried for several hours and talked to my friendly neighbor and room mates. Then there was that big question mark lingering over my head and life for that matter. What next? I gave myself a day to recover from the news and then started looking and researching possible majors. Throughout this time I knew that God still had the plan for me to become a teacher, but He also opened my heart to think about counseling as another option. I signed up for the workshops and decided that God would lead me.
Do I know what God's plan for me is now? No. Do I worry? No. I don't need to know what God's exact plan for my future are as long as I trust in His guidance, I don't have to worry. Sometimes I will fall or reach a fork in the road. In this situation, I was thankful for having had this experience and coming to the fork. I was able to learn more about myself, my strengths and weaknesses. God is giving me more time and a new place to change course and work on what needs work and refine the skills I already have. God's plan for me is to be where I am now and nowhere else. He will surely lead me ALL the way.

2015 Key Verse Testimony

Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

I chose this verse as my key verse last year because I wanted to remind myself that God is in control of my life. However, I had to learn the hard way how true this verse was through some sobering experiences.

I could not remember much of what happened the first half of the year except that I went to school, taught CBF, and sang in the praise team. The spring semester had been a successful one and I was able to take a summer class in June. At the same time, we had the summer camp for the 2- to 6-year-olds, which was a great learning experience. The children enjoyed learning and playing with their friends. Julia, Rebekah, and Grace were also great co-teachers. Even though we were not able to do much outside the CBF house, we always found other ways to let the children get their energy out. I may have been exhausted at the end of the four hours with the children, but I thank God for this opportunity.

In early July, I flew to Germany to help with the preparations for the ESBC. At first, I did not know what I would be doing, but by the end of the first week there, I had more than enough to do. Together with another second gen, I had to make the program booklet, which seemed like an easy task but ended up being more work and time consuming than anticipated. By God’s grace, we were able to finish it and picked it up on the day we left for the conference. I also became part of the “Ask me team” that mainly consisted of new gens ages 15 and up. We took care of registration, answering questions, and giving directions. It was encouraging to see so many young people from different chapters and countries work together. Although I was busy during the conference, I was able to enjoy it as well. It was blessed and filled with God’s word. The message that stood out to me was from Mark 11:1-25. The messenger posed the question, “Why is your happiness dependent on how you do in your ministry, how your ministry does, and whether people leave?” The point of the passage was having faith in God. If we have faith in God there should not be anything that shakes our faith or happiness especially when it comes to the ministry. I should be happy even when things seem rough or there are less people there because if I have faith in God, He will take care of these things. I am thankful that I was able to help with the conference and also attend it. My stay in Germany and the conference were very blessed. Even though I had been busy with the preparations, I had some time to visit my family and spend time with friends.

Right after the conference, I had to come back to the U.S. for my internship. I had not really been looking forward to the semester because I had to take six classes and go to my internship twice a week. This semester was the most stressful, exhausting, overwhelming, and tiring. I went through some difficult times and had many changes to make. I had to end a relationship that had started in the wrong way and had hurt people unintentionally along the way. It was all a learning process for me. I had hurt God and several people, which was painful to realize. In the end, I had to realize that I had been too naïve and made many mistakes. All I could do was simply lay everything out before God and ask Him to forgive and heal those I had hurt. Besides personal struggles, I also struggled to focus on God’s word and His work. There were so many things I had to do for my classes and internship that I barely had time for anything else and was always tired. Many times, I thought about giving up one thing I did in the ministry, but I never did because I knew that I should not. I enjoy teaching and learning about children and development, but all the work that I had to put into this semester made it less enjoyable. I had planned to graduate this spring, get a job, and start working in the fall. However, three weeks ago, I had to learn that I would not be able to move on to the next phase of my internship. I did not pass my internship, not because I was not a good teacher but rather because I did not fulfill the expectations of the program, though I had tried hard to improve in the way that my professors and supervisors asked me to do. This means that I have to change my major. It took a little bit of time to accept this change because it was my dream to become a teacher and I thought it was God’s plan. I accepted this as God’s direction for my life and hope that with the new major I chose I can still become a teacher. It was at that point that I was reminded of my key verse, where it says, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps” (Proverbs 16:9). I had planned my way and future the way I thought it would or should go, but God is establishing my steps and His own plan for my life. Now, I decided to change my major to Family Science but will have to add two or three semesters to my studies. I am not sure how God will lead me this coming year, so I chose Proverbs 16:1 as my new key verse. It says, “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue.” For this year, I am praying to trust in God’s leading and listen to His direction, to spent time in His word, and to be successful in my classes.

Major Change

I would have never thought that this would happen to me because I had my life (college) all planned out. I was going to graduate this Spring, get a job, and start working in the Fall. Well, God had another plan for me. My key verse from last year describes this situation very well, ‘In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord established their steps’ (Proverbs 16:9). On the last day of my final exams I had to learn that I did not pass my internship and would not be able to move on to the next phase. I tried several times to convince the program director and coordinator to let me go any way, so I could show them that I could change and improve. However, it was in vain. I then realized that their decision was maybe not that bad because I had been very stressed, unhappy, and tired throughout the semester. I thought that maybe this was God’s way of telling me He had something better in store for me. This was very difficult to accept because becoming a teacher had been my dream for years. I had to contain myself during the meeting, so I wouldn’t burst out in tears. After leaving the building the tears just started flowing, not so much because I was sad but more because I was disappointed that I had failed at something I loved and had to tell all these people that I wouldn’t be graduating on time and wouldn’t be able to major in what I loved. I was glad it was dark outside, so I could just let the tears flow. Once I got on the bus I tired to think of other things. One of my close friends/neighbors happened to board the bus just a little after I did. I first did not want to talk about what I had just learned and talked about other things going on in school. However, I decided that it probably would be better to just tell him what had happened, which ended up being a great relief. He encouraged me and assured me that God will make a way and I did not have to worry. After getting home, I decided to send emails to my parents and brother. I did not want to wait until the next day and maybe skype them. I had to tell them right then, so I wouldn’t stay up all night thinking about what to say. I was not sure how they would react. I was very worried that they may be disappointed or sad. They replied the next day and told me, though, that they understood and were thankful that I was trusting in God’s leading. After that, it became much easier to tell people what had happened. Many people were shocked, but I told them that I believed that this was God’s plan. On Monday before Christmas, I met with my adviser and talked to her about the change and what I would be doing instead. I told her that I wanted to switch my major to Family Science, which will give me more options in what I can do including teaching and counseling. Now, I have to officially change my major and will have to add another two or three semesters to my studies. I have come to accept this fact and am glad I learned I did not want to teach in public school before I graduated or went on to the next phase of the internship. It is not easy to know what God’s plan is. I still don’t know where He will lead me now, but I do not feel uncertain about my future because I know I have God, whom I can trust in. He is on my side and will lead me on the right path.
When praying for a key verse during the YDJ retreat, I had opened my Bible to my key verse from last year (Proverbs 16:9). When I opened my eyes, Proverbs 16:1 was right in front of me. There it says, “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue.” This verse perfectly fit my current situation and even though it may sound similar to my last key verse, I made it my key verse for 2015.